Mordant Ballyhoo

Q:  What have you been doing since…you know…you died?

GP:  Well, I can’t say that I have been doing much at all.  I’ve really only begun to get used to this endless floating in unoccupied space.  Sometimes I eat crackers.

Q:  What do you miss the most?

GP:  That would have to be American Idol.  I was secretly a massive fan.  Also, acting with Matt Damon.  He was dreamy.

Q:  What will come of the Paris Review?

GP:  The What?

Q:  What do you regret most?

GP:  Not shagging Matt Damon when I had the chance.  That, and not reading more graphic novels and Japanese manga.  They really are the bee’s knees, if you know what I mean.

 Q:  Do you do anything else but float in Purgatory and eat crackers/

GP:  I sometime practice a Harvard accent.  Also, I appear in bookstores as grumpy people that don’t know how to navigate the aisles.  I act like I’ve never even been to a library.  I feign not knowing Shakespeare and Dickens.  I mope around and make the booksellers recommend inane mystery novels while they are trying to flirt with their fellow co-workers.  It’s great.  Really, really great.  Oh, and I visit laundromats and jam the dryers during peak hours.

Q:  Any parting words?

GP:  Be kind to cats.  Trust me…be kind to cats.